5 External Validation

Anna Williams

A common phrase in media, usually in the penultimate confrontation between a bully and a protagonist, ends with protagonist telling the bully that “you probably didn’t get hugged enough as a child.” Sometimes, it’s about their parents never telling them they loved them, or that anyone has. It’s portrayed as a devastating moment for the bully, so much so that they end up running away, while their gang of lackeys is left to laugh or also be ejected from social acceptance.

It’s a wonder that we have this common trope at all. The assumption, based on the situation and negative emotional reaction of the bully, is a subtextual confirmation that the bully did not get told they were loved, or was not given affection of any kind from their community. Why couldn’t the bully have had a comeback on their tongue, when they have previously been able to torment the protagonist in multiple iterations? Why did this specific rejection hurt the bully so much?

In truth, when an insult hits too close to insecurity, it stings more than an insult the person doesn’t believe in; the dig snags on a scar and brings up the layers of infection underneath. When insecurity overwhelms rationality, we can get caught up in our heads, wondering if the evil thoughts are actually right, and if we should listen to them.

One effective way of eliminating cruel thoughts is to recognize their lack of basis in fact. lf logic and reasoning act as our guide, we can recognize the absence of evidence for the claim. Unlike bullies, we can get reassurance in the form of our community, from our friends, that we are accepted.

Validation is defined as confirmation, an agreement that a claim is true. In this case, I define it as the confirmation of our humanity, of a positive affirmation of worth. External validation means the validation comes from outside the person themselves, from outside their direct control, in the form of the spheres of influence around them. The further away from the validation you are, the less control you have over it, and the trickier it becomes to be validated.

There are many influences over us. The spheres are not separate but overlapping. I don’t see it as a clear cut space where one takes over the other, but I can define the closest and furthest from ourselves, in speaking on external validation.

• The Closest to Us

Strong friendships and familial life indicate the spheres that are directly involved in our lives. In this, the human interaction is tangible, physically or emotionally. People we know, that we communicate with, that know only our names all the way up to our deepest secrets. The more we know about a person, or how they know us, can indicate how much influence they have in our sphere. The clerk I see at Wal greens when I go to pick up my favorite facial moisturizer is going to have less influence than the roommate who knows howl feel about my own confidence.

Knowledge and understanding participates heavily in this sphere. To reveal ourselves to others, we give them the opportunity to hurt us; we place a trust in them that they will not use their knowledge of our faults in a bad way. The insecurity I have about talking too much will not harm me if the clerk pointed out versus if my roommate told me the same. A certain level of closeness to truth matters, yes, but the relationship of respect and importance to involvement in life is more so. If we give a greater authority level to the person, by valuing or validating their opinion, we end up placing their validation on a higher pedestal. Which, in turn, brings us to the furthest sphere of influence.

• The Furthest from Us

The internet, and social media. We have been told many times how much these technological advances have plagued humanity. And maybe, there is truth in it. But not in the same way as I see it.

The internet exists as a medium through which we connect with other human beings. However, this pseudo-social validation does not create the external validation we need; it can instead overwhelm us with what external validation we are missing out on or overindulge us in our validation needs. The former exists as a lack of external validation while the latter exists as a gluttonous desire to have an egocentrism of which it is hard to escape.

Take for instance, your group of friends. While they may be the closest to you in your social sphere of external validation, there is a consequence of obtaining it on the internet. You do not see just the external validation of yourself, but the external validation of the people you know, the ones they know, and so on and so forth. There have been many instances where a person feels they are missing out on an opportunity of socialization, which is where the term “fomo,” fear of missing out, has been created to describe this loss. If you see opportunities where you could be receiving human interaction, and instead, are alone, you can find yourself wanting to be validated without receiving it, creating a gap.

But to overfill on external validation is not good, either. Influencers and celebrities live a fabricated life on the internet. They exhibit a life of luxury that the typical person does not. If fame or money acts as an ideal, the gap between the validation grows too large. What we have and what we do not becomes such a difference that we can be overwhelmed by the lack of understanding of how we can get there. If we compare ourselves to this false reality, as a way of validation, we can end up living outside our sphere. When we rely on the sphere farthest from us, we won’t get the kind of validation we really need.

The reverse is true, though. If a celebrity, who has a career built on acceptance of the masses, becomes targeted by the masses, on the receiving end of negative tweets or death threats, they have failed in their status. They can be dropped from projects, be forced to make an apology, or have their own sense of self be questioned. Relying on the acceptance of thousands, millions, is different than relying on the validation of a smaller group of people who are directly involved in your life.

Validation is important to our self worth. If our insecurities are overwhelmed, we don’t get the security that we are accepted, that we have worth. We may think something is wrong with us, that we are not who we should be.

The bully mentioned at the beginning is not accepted by the mass of the community, and is evicted from any acceptance. If the lackeys didn’t even like them, then they are left alone. And to face no external validation means an assumption that we are the only ones who know our worth. To rely only on ourselves is hard for many people. Whether they can resurrect themselves from this is hard, but not impossible, to do alone.

The last sphere of influence is how we think of ourselves. It is not an external validation, but an internal one. To relate our external validation to our internal one is an easy transition to make, for if we are not accepted by those we give respect to, our rejection might translate to a self-rejection. And if it’s not framed as an opportunity to change, but a fundamental flaw, then we can be lost.
Relying fully on external validation is not good, but neither is relying only on an internal one. It’s harder to relieve yourself from the muck than it is for someone to pull you out of it. However, the sphere you have the most influence over is the internal; the external relies on many factors, and the further it gets from your grasp, the harder it is to gain it.

Anna Williams is a senior in the UB undergraduate English program. She enjoys learning different philosophical perspectives to apply them to her writing.